Expression of Femininity in Masculinity During boyhood

 Raju was a fragile boy in physique. He was suffering from Asthma which was being cured by the doctor at the extra care of his father. Raju's father named Chandradev Chandinath Tripathi had  three offsprings including him (Raju). Rukmani Was the eldest daughter ,second offspring was Raju and the third one Shashi. Transgnder naturally shows girlish and boyish nature both. A boy feels a girl inside and a girl a boy inside. If a transgender who is a boy in his boyhood he is attracted towards girlish activities like sense of dressing, wearing make-up, love for jewellery, painting, drawing and flowy fabric. Laxmi as Raju feels femininity in boyish body. He is attracted to the wearing of bangles on his wrists that look beautiful to him. He likes to use the feminine pronouns speaking out she or her addressing to him instead of employing the pronouns of masculine gender. Raju acts like a girl.

Laxmi expresses boldly in the text

“But the problem was that I was feminine despite being a boy. So when I wore bangles because they looked so good, red and shiny on my wrists…so I felt like girl too. I would often refer to myself as one – ‘ Main Abhi aati hoon’.”  

Raju likes to have long hair like girl because it gives inner satisfaction to him. But as he likes to grow them, he is chided and checked by his father that this way of keeping long hair is a sign of femininity which is unacceptable in the family and society. Therefore raju’s father passes the reprimanding comment: “achche ghar ke ladke aise nahi karte” (Boys from good household do not behave this way). The external body of Raju is of male and internally he feels himself as a female. The internal feeling creates an idea od confusion of his identity because his male organ suggest him to be a male bu his inner feelings rejects his identity of male and tells him that he is a female inside. Laxmi adds further," “The world kept suggesting I was a girl, but my private parts indicated that I was a boy. And then there was the whole question of sexuality. I was attracted to boys – my first inklings and stirrings of lust came from noticing big, strong arms, the hint of a guy’s moustache over his lips, billboards that advertised men’s underwear – and I was puzzled. Was there a woman inside me who couldn’t really express herself…” 

Passing Through Identity–crisis

Gender identity crisis – dysphasia goes in mind who the person is either male or female or both boy in girl or girl in a boy. Laxmi also feels the same situation of gender confusion by birth she was a male but inside a girl exists. Therefore, the doubt always remains who she is really and what identity she possesses. Vijay was one of her good friends and Laxmi liked him very much. After Vijay’s death Laxmi’s life was vacant because no one understand her. 

Different types of thoughts strike her mind. She says: “Will everyone disown me?, ‘Will I have to become a sex worker’ is my fate sealed’ , should I kill myself “Praveen sensed that Laxmi (Raju) as a both ,has a femininity in himself. He accepted it and never looked at him as odd. He openly said that “you were,you are and you will always remain Laxmi for me” When laxmi was in class 4th standard, she was suffering from disphoria, she was in dilemma whether as a Raju, she is a male or she is a female in a boy’s body. At this critical moment she decided to meet Ashoka Rao who was said to be an expert in deciding the gender particularly to those who was suffering from identity crisis. In those days Maheswari Garden was the hub of gay men, where people like Ashoka and his friends often meet and discuss the issues community. Laxmi spotted the group and saw that these gay men were also called as ‘homo’,’mamu’,’chhakka’, as she is used to be. He  met Ashoka and introduced herself to be a man of feminate nature . Inside her ,there is a girl in boy 's body which the world consider abnormal and odd Ashoka motivate that oddity is not in her but in people’s mind and therefore don’t be discouraged and be continue to her work. Ashoka says:  “No, my child you are absolutely normal. What is normal is the world around us.” The pressure of getting Raju, married to a girl ,has been made by his parent. Laxmi clearly denied the idea of getting married because the marriage would ruin two lives: a girl who would be her life partner and other one Laxmi herself. The reason of refusal of marriage proposal was that Laxmi as Raju was really not the boy but inwardly she was the girl. Therefore she was unsuitable for the marriage. Laxmi says to her father that she would commit suicide if Raju will get married to anyone else. She says: 

“Spoil not only my own life, but also that of woman who would marry me! I would rather kill myself.”  

Comments on Parents or Family

 People living in society make harsh comments on the family of transgender and the transgender. When Raju exposes the activities of femininity, the world taunts Raju’s father. She says: “Mr Tripathi talks so much about the family name and this and that but he could n’t keep his own son under control. He went and joined Hijra. He was plagued with this kind of talk for years together.”But his father never expressed his anger to Raju nor demotivates him ever. Once in an interview his father is asked, “Don’t you ashamed that you’re Brahmin and your eldest son is Hijra” He replied in a positive way that transgender can be anyone’s son or daughter because it is not our identity. He says, ”Why should I feel ashamed. No educated or woman goes into their son’s or daughter’s bedrooms to see what they are doing there.”“My child is not handicapped, my child is not mentally challenged, my child is different, his sexuality is different and that doesn’t bother me. No body throws away a desi ghee laddoo, whether it comes out perfectly round or misshapen. My child is not and will always be my child.”  

Acceptance of Gay community  

 Laxmi met Ashoka Row Kavi at Maheshwari Garden. He was a gay guy who wanted to include Laxmi into his community of MSM (Male sex Male). But Laxmi did not stay long in that community, however, she was insearch of an identity confirmation who she was. Vijay Nair, Goda Bai, brought laxmi into the quere world and accepted her through the ceremony of Haldi Kumum. She wanted to be the part of that community because she was in a search for an identity to call her own. Goda Bai made Laxmi the part of that community. She says: “This girl is Miss Thane. From today, she’s christened as Miss Thane and this is your Haldi Kumkum ceremony.” Laxmi aligned herself with the Kotis, effeminate persons to search her identity. Godas are not allowed to meet gay men because it becomes the matter of stigma to gay men.  “Gay men wouldn’t interact too much with other Kotis. We had more of a hi-bye equation then, Goda and I because as a hard-core gay man, youy would never want to be even seen talking to a koti.” Goda saw Laxmi evolving into femininity more and more. She is being a transgender specially trans-woman. Therefore, Laxmi could not resist herself from being Goda and moves on to be a trans-woman. It is her complete and absolute identity which she was searching for her existence she says: “And then, ofcourse I finally became Hijra – within the Hijra community is where I found the greatest self aligniment and self identification. And till date, that is how I see myself – as Hijra.” 

In Indian culture especially Hindu convention hijra community is considered as sub gods higher than mortals, - men, women, saints, and sadhus. We as the third gender are integral part in social order in ancient and Middle Ages. Hijras were visible and present in the society but Britishers made them out-casted. No religion was against them nor any period in history disfavored. None can wipe out Hijra’s existence and beings from society. Laxmi says: “So no body, I believe, can wipe us out and deny our existence. Society wants to marginalized us – law of the land of home came into being during British rule over India.”Hijras are believer and worshiper of Shiv sakti, enrgy on Ardhnareshwar – male and female – existence in one’s energy. Shakti, the mother, can never leave her child. Hijras are the family of Mahadev Kutumb. All the outcasts like Daanvas, Pischachinis, Bhoots are the family or Kutumb of Shiva. Therefore, they all were Baaratis on Shiva’s marriage with Parvati, the daughter of Daksha The Prajapati. It is supposed that who soever is deserted by Daksha, the king, takes shelter under Shiva. Shiva is the sheltergiver to each and every outcasted. Laxmi says:“ Whoever he thought was misfit in society – sought shelter with Mahadev, who did not believe in any system. And that is why he has daanvas, pishachinis, bhoots 

– all the outcast – everyone under him.” Laxmi,at the age of ten, during Mahashiv Ratri Parv, got married to Shivain temple by wearing a mangalsutra bought for money from the shop. She made Shiva her husband forever, and caretaker. She was under divine protection. She states: I was married to him! For years after that Shiva is my Husband! In A way, I initiated myself as a devadasi then!.”  Ganesh sawant aka Gauri is a name who is also a trans-guy from the high class family his father is an assistant commissioner of police. For the respect of the family he can’t be a Hijra but Ganesh is acquainted with Laxmi since they both met at Maheshwari Garden days of being gay. 

He is a boy with male body and a girl inside his maharstrian family is an orthodox and he tells a lie to parents that he is going to attend pooja and party stealing the blouse of his sister and saree of his mother to wear it for his inner satisfaction of female identity which he wants to expresss in these words: Later he joined the hijra community and change his name and became gauri and transwoman she wentin gender confermation surgery. On the T.v show ‘Sach Ka Samna’ Laxmi was asked whether she had been physically aused. She gave an affirmative answer – if the family particularly father had not been a support to raju, he would have been selling his body in the market involved in sex working for bread and butter. She says: “If it weren’t for him, I would have been standing in a brothel, selling my body. I would have been HIv position by now.” Sexual abuse is a man-made hellish misfortune done to the transgender in the civilized society. Transgender is vulnerable in the hands of male dominance. Besides it, a boy who is girlish in nature is also vulnerable by the sex performer. Raju who is six years old, is a weak and feminine in demeanor sexually exploited by his own cousin in a wedding party. At this age when he is totally unaware what the sex means, he is penetrated by his cousin. He feels intense pain and faints for the first time. He expresses the trauma of the first rape done to hi is unforgettable ever. He says:“He went on raping me during the course of that wedding, and even brought in another cousin and friends. I was in constant pain, there was a burning, I can never describe and never ever forget… I never thought they would ever dream of hurting me.”  

Sufferings: 

Transgender life is replete with sufferings and pains. The life for third gender becomes unbearable when the biological family, gives the third gender when they disclose their identity of Hijra before them. The family rejected them because they became frightened by the social taunting volleyed to the family’s respect. Even educated person don’t understand the pangs and psychological confusion of their children they are facing. Laxmi says that as Ganesh becomes Gauri, his father gives him up in the name of professional honour that an assistant commissioner has a hijra son that has joined the hijra community. Laxmi quotes: “Gauri’s family disowned her. 

She ‘d lost her mother at a young age, and her father simply asked her to leave home one day because he couldn’t take cross-dressing and the taunts of his social and professional circles anymore.’ Laxmi’s biological family adopted Gauri as a member of his family Where Gauri often came and asked Laxmi’s mother to cook lunch or dinner to take rest in Laxmi’s bedroom. Now, Gauri is the director of Sakshi Char Chowghi, a community-based (hijra and TG based) HIV/ AIDS organization.